Helpless Soul Need Help!

[sighsoul 0]

its not the 1st time the loan shark had been harassing my family already.

it was my brother,he's only 20 this year, started betting on online soccer bets website etc etc

at first , he won a little , which got him really into gambling afterwards.

then , when he started losing , he borrowed money from poly friends, gaming friends, relatives and whoever he could thought of to pay his debt off from the soccer bets website.

of course he went to my parents b4 them.

expected , my parents gave him a harsh warning , cane him etc etc

back then he was only 18.

once , he owe loan shark about 30k++ and he stole my mum's jewellery and rolex watch from my dad and bottles and bottles of wine to turn into cash in return to the loan shark. that makes my parents totally give up on him and my dad even fainted when he found out about this. nevertheless, when we thought everything was over, he did it again...

over the past 2 years , he didnt change but he got bolder and bet even more like 1k 2k 5k on a single match , and when he lose , he go to my dad thinking that my dad is his ATM when my dad only holds a job that pays him 2k a month. counselling was done but he just wont change!!!!

and just last week , he move to my grand's hse to live because he dont wanna stay at home anymore.

thinking that all was alright , a phone call called our hse again to look for my brother and threaten to set fire on our hse if we failed to pay up tonight..

dad called home and said brother owe $35k again along with 20 sets of loan shark....

dad was firm not to pay anymore because he really do not have the $$ already and if we paid now and my bro borrow again , the cycle just repeats itself...

dad was so helpless and keep asking me what should we do next? why did our family end up like this? but i couldn't answer his question ...

all we did was to report to the police and cover plastic sheet on our main door..

im really very helpless now, facing the main door open to do a lookout while doing my project work late every night till 3 or 4 am ... but how long can this last??

[edenstrauss 3]

Hi sighsoul,

I felt very sorry for you that ur brother has gotten everyone of u in the family into trouble

However, R u aware that when there is evidence that your brother has borrowed $$ from loan sharks, he will be charged in court and jailed for such irresponsible behaviour?

Nobody could consistently safeguard against any potential vandalism from loan sharks.

U could opt to install CCTV camera since u have a police report. Authorised CCTV installers will be able to do the installation once u are able to substantiate your requests with a police report.

Unless fire breaks out as a result of attacks from loan sharks, your family will have to bear full costs for installation of CCTV.

And if nothing happens within 6 months of installation, u will need to bring down your CCTV camera. So in fact, it doesn't solve your family's problems.

The rule of thumb in dealing with addicts (gambling in this case) is to stop helping them pay off the loans. Although $$ is involved becox your brother owes alot of $$ borrowed thru' illegal means, it's obvious to your family that giving him $$, paying off his debts, isn't going to cure his addiction. He would still gamble.

He needs to recognise that he has a very serious problem and a very bad attitude in life to implicate his family members & bring potential harm to them. If he's still sent for counselling sessions but deep down in his heart, he didn't recognise his own faults, then it's a definitely waste of time. Can send him in for 20 sessions and the outcome will still be the same!

By the way, r u staying along the corridoor or is yours a corner unit?

Edited February 22, 2011 by edenstrauss

[sighsoul 0]

i suggested my dad about the CCTV already and he said he will get it done asap.

my hse is a corner unit , dont know whether is it good or bad

[CoffeeMan 0]

Hi SighSoul,

I have a few suggestions for you.

1. Email the online soccer betting operators and ask them to blacklist your brother.

2. Approach NCPG for help if you have not done so.

3. Seek another counselor for help.

4. Keep your brother's IC so that he cannot use it to borrow money.

5. If your bro is a Catholic, you may want to approach his priest for help.

I have contact for CCTV, pls let me know if you need any help.

Take care!

[BlueFly 0]

hi sighsoul,

Sorry to learn abt your sorrows! If there's any comfort, here's my suggestion:

a - First, be strong and know that loan sharks are less likely to harm you and yr family as police are targeting loan sharks these days. The loan shark is not stupid, he will only use the phone to call and not go to yr home, so assure yr dad the family is in no danger yet.

b - However, if they go to yr home and threaten you, take their photos for yr own protection! Tell them if anything happens to you or your family you will give the photos to the police. But you must be careful - the loan shark will get angrier and really try to harm you, so don't unlock the gate. You must show you don't fear them! If they are angry, you must get angrier. If they shout at you, you must shout louder. Don't let them intimidate you. But you must take care, of course. Don't do anything silly.

c - Hand the photos to the police at once - your family will only be safe and protected when the loan-sharks are caught.

d - Yr brother is addicted to gambling, the only way is to ask him to call any of the tel nos: below. You can also call for help and advice. One Hope Center has helped and counseled addicted gamblers. Perhaps they can help yr brother too.

ADDICTION PROBLEM ASSISTANCE (EG. GAMBLING COUNSELLING):

National Addictions Management Service (NAMS)

Tel: 1800 6 668 668 / 1800 6 RECOVER (1800 6732 6837)

Website: www.nams.org.sg

ILLEGAL MONEY LENDERS (EG. LOAN SHARK) ISSUES:

One Hope Centre

Tel/Fax: 6547 1011

Email: help@onehopecentre.org

Website: www.onehopecentre.org

Add: 12 New Industrial Road, #05-06 Morningstar Centre, Singapore 536202

Ray of Hope

Tel: 1800 7867 669 (1800 STOP NOW)

Website: www.care-centre.org

Thye Hua Kwan Moral Society

Tel: 6593 6489

Fax: 6333 5141

Website: www.thkms.org.sg

Add: #03-06 Central Plaza, 298 Tiong Bahru Road, Singapore 168730

I also think you will benefit to speak to counselors from One Hope Center. Ask yr dad to go with you. They have experience with gambling problems such as harassment, worries, heartache, sleepless nights, fear, etc that family members go through and may be able to advice and share with you how other families cope and tackle the problem.

Hope that helps.

Edited February 23, 2011 by BlueFly

[sighsoul 0]

it just happened , this morning around 1220 , i smelled paint and i went out to take a look and saw some streaks of black paint... but i didnt saw anyone walked pass my hse so i phoned the police and they came to ask some questions take picture.. sigh this thing is making my whole family crazy ..

thanks for the suggestions i will let my dad know.

[BlueFly 0]

it just happened , this morning around 1220 , i smelled paint and i went out to take a look and saw some streaks of black paint... but i didnt saw anyone walked pass my hse so i phoned the police and they came to ask some questions take picture.. sigh this thing is making my whole family crazy ..

thanks for the suggestions i will let my dad know.

No worries. Pl understand that's all those gangsters could do - harass your family, paint slogans, intimidate, but not physically harm any of you. Just accept and live with it for a while. These guys know their limits, what they do is illegal, and they're more fearful at being caught, and therefore more worried than you. Fear is what they want you to feel, that's their only tactic: threats to make yr family worried enuf to pay them. So play the mind game - outside yr door put up slogans such as "Hidden Spy Camera installed!" and "Hey, Police Waiting to Catch You" or "Hey, if I see you I will shoot yr photo!"

As for yr gambler brother, at this time he needs you more than at any other time. Don't "push" him away, it will only make things worse but not solve the problem. Tell him firmly & quietly no way the family can help, ask him what he wants to do with his life, and if that's the kind of life he wants, gambling and always on-the-run-from-loansharks? Sometimes the only way to "get through" to his numbskull is something unexpected, like being calm and gentle instd of showing anger and scolding him. Tell him it is good he lives with grand for the time-being but to be careful abt his movements. And if he's prepared to change his life you'll bring him to one of the counselors listed. I guess that's all you can do now.

Oh, and even if you can spare and feel like giving him some $$$ PL DON'T! That will only feed his gambling instinct and do more harm. He's got to learn he got himself into this problem and only he can get himself out of it. And no one else can help with his debt.

Edited February 23, 2011 by BlueFly

[sighsoul 0]

we tried asking him what he want, why he do that , but he didnt say anything and just keep quiet. even when my grand told him what happened earlier on this morning he just keep quiet and went to sleep.

you are right bluefly , showing anger and scolding him will only make things worse but my mum did that everyday , non stop nagging and scolding over this matter to me and my poor sister.. this is one of the reason why my bro move to grand hse.

i tried calling and msging him and even willing to accompany him to those counselors but he didnt replied ...

i've contacted a counselor myself hoping that my bro will agree to the treatment this time round.

Edited February 23, 2011 by sighsoul

[therat 18]

my f mum

why you use the "f" on your mum.

[sighsoul 0]

why you use the "f" on your mum.

all she did was to nag and scold and shout and scream at home but didnt bother to help solve the problems.

i edited den , sorry.

Edited February 23, 2011 by sighsoul

[therat 18]

no matter what she's still your mum.

Think of the yrs, she feed you, cloth you, 10 mth carrying you.

be kind to her.

if u want to "f" , go and "f" ur bro.

[BlueFly 0]

we tried asking him what he want, why he do that , but he didnt say anything and just keep quiet. even when my grand told him what happened earlier on this morning he just keep quiet and went to sleep.

you are right bluefly , showing anger and scolding him will only make things worse but my mum did that everyday , non stop nagging and scolding over this matter to me and my poor sister.. this is one of the reason why my bro move to grand hse.

i tried calling and msging him and even willing to accompany him to those counselors but he didnt replied ...

i've contacted a counselor myself hoping that my bro will agree to the treatment this time round.

Try not to "babysit" him - such as calling a counselor on behalf of yr brother. If you call the counselor, it is for yrself to seek advice and help for yr dad and mom.

Yr brother must "see" that the way out is do take control of his life himself. In other words, all you should do is talk to him but the "push" has to come from inside him, not from you or anyone else. If he has no intention to change, calling counselors and asking him to go will not be effective, bcoz you' re "babysitting" him. Tell him the way forward, let him do it himself or come to you willingly, i.e he wants badly enuf to change, to do it for himself. So don't do ANYTHING for him, just tell him he can do this and that and that and so on, i/c telling him that you won't do anything bcoz he must want it badly enuf to want to change his life to take the initiative.

If your brother don't listen and not become proactive, there's really nothing you or anyone can do. You must tell him you can only advise, not do things for him. Let him understd that. Let him know u will only bring him for counsel if he really wants it himself and comes to you.

Further, you're a good sibling and offspring - understd what yr parents are going through, don't be upset with yr mom or blame her at all coz at the end of the day all parents love their kids, and the only way they know to solve problems is what they learned from their parents, i.e. to scold and discipline. I am a dad so I know how many parents feel and do, except I have my own way of thinking. Just be silent and patient when yr mom speaks, she will realize your good intentions in future, if not now. You must take a step back and be an adult in a situation like the present where everyone can only react according to their emotions. You know everyone is on edge - that's the tactic of the loan sharks - you must all stick together, not give in or sink but rise above the situation in order to help make matters right. Try to be cool.

Finally, if there is no other way and you or yr brother has nowhere to hide or no one to turn to, just kneel down and pray for him. Ask and seek God's help.

Edited February 23, 2011 by BlueFly

[sighsoul 0]

no matter what she's still your mum.

Think of the yrs, she feed you, cloth you, 10 mth carrying you.

be kind to her.

if u want to "f" , go and "f" ur bro.

if u dont know anything i will suggest u can leave this thread.

[sighsoul 0]

Try not to "babysit" him - such as calling a counselor on behalf of yr brother. If you call the counselor, it is for yrself to seek advice and help for yr dad and mom.

Yr brother must "see" that the way out is do take control of his life himself. In other words, all you should do is talk to him but the "push" has to come from inside him, not from you or anyone else. If he has no intention to change, calling counselors and asking him to go will not be effective, bcoz you' re "babysitting" him. Tell him the way forward, let him do it himself or come to you willingly, i.e he wants badly enuf to change, to do it for himself. So don't do ANYTHING for him, just tell him he can do this and that and that and so on, i/c telling him that you won't do anything bcoz he must want it badly enuf to want to change his life to take the initiative.

If your brother don't listen and not become proactive, there's really nothing you or anyone can do. You must tell him you can only advise, not do things for him. Let him understd that. Let him know u will only bring him for counsel if he really wants it himself and comes to you.

Further, you're a good sibling and offspring - understd what yr parents are going through, don't be upset with yr mom or blame her at all coz at the end of the day all parents love their kids, and the only way they know to solve problems is what they learned from their parents, i.e. to scold and discipline. I am a dad so I know how many parents feel and do, except I have my own way of thinking. Just be silent and patient when yr mom speaks, she will realize your good intentions in future, if not now. You must take a step back and be an adult in a situation like the present where everyone can only react according to their emotions. You know everyone is on edge - that's the tactic of the loan sharks - you must all stick together, not give in or sink but rise above the situation in order to help make matters right. Try to be cool.

Finally, if there is no other way and you or yr brother has nowhere to hide or no one to turn to, just kneel down and pray for him. Ask and seek God's help.

my aunts are all christ and they bought him to church and everything but none could help him because he himself dont wanna go.i would really hope he will stop avoiding the problem and face it like a man now that he's 21 he ought to know and think about his future.

thanks so much for the advices really appreciate it alot!

[therat 18]

if u dont know anything i will suggest u can leave this thread.

I'm not talking abt your bro issue.

I'm only voice out how you address your mother.

only want to listen to what you want/prefer.

Good luck.