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karen77sg

Sickening Husband

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My friend (Jean) is in the process to separation. But there is a problem. I also dunno how to help her...Hope all of u hv valuable advices.

Story goes like this....My Husband's friend, lets call him Xave and his wife Jean.

They have been together for a few years and finally ROM 4 years back and applied for a new flat 3 years back.

Initially I would say they are a great couple together...bt as the years does by, Jean starts to put on weight and it is alot....I tort she got pregnant...bt its not. She went to the doc's and doc just diagnosed her as water retention. We were not tat close actually til recently I came to noe they are divorcing...

Xave starts to go drinking every weekend for the past 2 years. Initially was oni every Sats and will go bk ard 2am...bt things start to go from back to worse... then become 3am, 4am and recently 8am!:(!

Jean told me tis does not happens on Sats oni, he even does so on Fris and sometimes when he is on afternoon shift on Mons, he will go on Suns too....And when Jean wants to stop him from going drinking, Xave will throw temper by knocking his head against the wall! zz

Jean starts to pour her woes to me for the past few mths...I actually told her I suspect her HB got another gal outside...else how come he can go "drinking" till 8am in the morning and does not reek of alcohol the next morning he comes back???? The reason he gives Jean is he is afraid tat he will get caught in road blocks and will oni comes back when he is sober! I find tis ridiculous....

Upon my advice, Jean starts to check his wallet and HP. Unfortunately, his HP is always locked with password! (This is very suspicious liao, y he wan to lock his hp? anything secret?) Then come his wallet.

Xave is a stingy person even to Jean...Even they go out for dinner in a cofy shop, Xave will ask Jean to pay her back $2 for the fishball noodles! :furious: Bt he can foot the bill on hard liquors for a few hundreds! And tis is for every weekends! 1 mth can come up to thousands. And when Jean qns him, he will say they are sharing and he is oni footing the bill first with his credit card!

Bt she accidently happen to check his hp when it is unlocked....there is a gal sms-ing his HB "Dun overwork, I wil heartpain".

Jean told me Xave also dun wanna touch her or hv S** with her...

Xave actually say something which make me :furious: He ask Jean go and slim down first then come and approach him! WTF!!! Wat kinda HB is tis! KNN! CMI!

Jean finally cannot tolerate his undoings and went to lawyers to draft a separation letter for her...She has signed the letter bt Xave refuse to sign it...

I gather Xave do not wan to pay the alimony / he oni wan to sell the flat when the price is right!

As Jean do not hv financial means to hire a PI to sue him of adultery, wat can she do now? And she also do not hv any evidence to prove his adultery! And worst, her dad just had a stroke and mum down with illness.

I just feel tat everything is too heavy a burden for her to take + her stressful job. Wat can she do now to hv a clean break with THIS MAN and hv alimony???? Bt she dun hv children, do she deserve any alimony??

 

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I seriously hope that the issues you mentioned are not the ONLY reasons why Jean wan to separate from her HB...?? This is because almost all the issues you quoted also happened to me! And the fact is that I still love my wife very much...(my wife don't come to renotalk so there is no reason for me to lie).

I was in shipping sales previously and there are alot of entertainment involved, which means alot of drinking and late nights. And when you drink with clients, you cannot just order cheap beers or cocktails, but its always bottles of liquors to 'show face'. I admit sometimes because of frequent entertainment, I start to like drinking so even if no clients I will also go out, but totally no hanky-panky.

Also because of my sales vocation, I always try to get close to my clients or their subordinates, so that I can get their support and/or info on competitors. I go the extra mile to help in my clients' shipment and alot of times they are very appreciative of me, sometimes also paiseh that I stay back very late to make sure their shipment are in order. So the message "Dun overwork, I wil heartpain" really do not mean anything; I get them a few times also! Trust me, I have worse messages from female clients, but they are just trying to be funny and nothing serious at all.

And yes, I also lock my handphone too, first because I tend to lose them when I get drunk, secondly I also got moonlight in other jobs plus sometimes I leave my handphone on my office desk, so I do not want colleagues or my boss to see it.

And s**? Wah lau, everytime drunk already how to make?? Yes its not healthy at all (that's why I am not in shipping liao, hehe), but at the end of the day, its work and all I am trying to do is bring bread home. I would be very sad if one day, out of the blue, my wife slap me with a separation letter just like that.

Well only the couple themselves know best if suit each other and I am not trying to side the hubby because I only heard so much info from you; but bottomline is that I hope Jean can go talk to her hubby, maybe go for counselling and see if they really can't keep the marriage, instead of just running to the lawyer to get a separation letter like that without trying.

 

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hi karen77sg, you can advise your friend to go to family court to ask for alimony now

a husband has a duty to maintain his wife, be it still married or divorced.

then use the alimony to hire a PI ;)

that's very bad of me but this is how the singapore law works !!

actually my sincere opinion is your friend should speak to her husband about this

if the issue is really about your friend's weight

then she can make the decision whether to stay and lose them, or go and keep them :good:

 

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hi karen77sg, you can advise your friend to go to family court to ask for alimony now

a husband has a duty to maintain his wife, be it still married or divorced.

then use the alimony to hire a PI :help:

that's very bad of me but this is how the singapore law works ;)

actually my sincere opinion is your friend should speak to her husband about this

if the issue is really about your friend's weight

then she can make the decision whether to stay and lose them, or go and keep them :)

!! :good:

not bad nah.... lady always the loosing end. old nobody one whereas for man they old stll got pp one.

 

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SUX!!

RUBBISH!!! SLIM DOWN INORDER TO HAVE S**??? how u explain tht the?

lock the phone? at least give the password to the wife lar.

I can't explain everything lah, but just like its an ugly culture for a man to maintain his wife even in today's modern society where both are equally educated and earning same salary, its also an ugly fact that man do take a serious note on physical appearance and attractiveness of their wives. Nothing is fair in the world mah, we just got to live with it lor.

As for handphone password, well the next question is why would the wife want the password??

 

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guess in the world of marriage

there is no longer right or wrong

but only whether you still want it to work or not

if you love the person, you will want to make him/her happy

but if you decide enough is enough, then just leave

so the best thing for karen's friend now is to file for a separation first

get away to cool down and really think about it

three years is quite some time to do some serious thinking :bangwall:

 

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Hi, 1st of all, hope karen dont mind say this, you should not get involve in the 1st place by giving suggestions or advice at all. A couple's relationship can only be solve by 2 of them only. Only they themselves know best. It is difficult for outsiders, even friends or relatives/family to know or understand what exactly is going on between the 2 of them. Moreover sometimes such so-called advices from outsiders can actually indirectly affect/worsen the already complicated/fragile relationship when without such so-called advices can actually save or lessen misunderstanding in the relationship. Worse thing is if they are back together in good terms again, you might be accuse of giving wrong advice/trying to mess up their relationship and in turn affect your friendship with Jean.

2ndly in a relationship, there must be trust. Without trust it is difficult to move on at all. The only way to break all this is for Jean to talk honestly about her feelings and concern to her husband, not check here and there like his handphone, wallet etc or even go to the extend of divorce. Coz if you notice, even divorce does not solve the mystery of why he needs to drink so much(or if he really hiding something behind)

Divorce is not the step to take if one cannot solve problem in relationship. Just because one cannot understand or stand it anymore on what is going on and therefore choose divorce is for me an easy way out.

Edited by Assassin
 

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Im quite agree on Assassin mention. Sometimes it is beyond on our control.

Mine friend had happen this case too. But nothing related to the put on weight issues. Is the 3rd party issues. Both are mine good friends. I went down to help them out as in a counseling them. Try to find the roots of the problem and solve it. Rather then the solve the current problem.

If a guy really love his gf/wife. No matter what thing happens couple ties will never fade. Unless his/her heart change. But still it can be solve when times goes.

 

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For alimony, I think it doesn't matter whether got kids or not. I attended a talk before and the speaker says as long as the wife can show that she got contribute to the family (best is some expenses she help to fork out) and her hubby got give her some money (evidence to show), then higher chance of getting alimony.

I think one thing is most women cannot tolerate their hb always go out to drink and dun explain what they are doing outside. If the hb is communicative with his wife maybe not so bad.

However i tink Karen's fren just based on 1 sms and deemed that got 3rd party is probably a bit rash, maybe it doesn't really mean anything.

As for the handphone locked matter, seriously I also locked my handphone bec' my handphone is once stolen and i have phobia so i wanna locked my handphone. My hb also locked his handphone. I have never checked at my hb handphone. He has never look at my handphone.

In fact, I never checked my hb bills, work briefcase etc. I dun like to sneak around checking at such stuff and suspecting this and that. If there is anything suspicious, I will ask my hb straightaway.

So i dun tink the locked handphone has anything big and hb is not obliged to give wife his password, though he may seem suspicious for not giving password if wife ask. But if he is a stubborn men, and most men may purposely dun give if wife ask (if u suspect me then there is no point in explaining - thats what most men will tink if wife straightaway suspect fishy and confront hb), which of course lead to more suspicion on wife' s part.

On this checking thing, I have gals frens who hacked into their hb's voicemail and checked on the voice mail etc to track whether got gals' message.

It probably relate a lack of trust and low confidence in the relationship and on themselves. More impt if there isn't anything foul, the act of sneaking etc may actually lead to the rs breakup.

 

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Deducing that the husband has a 3rd party based on one SMS is a bit rash. However, I believe your friend could have seen other tell-tale signs that result in her wanting a separation. She may not have told you everything.

Depending on the individual's tolerance and situation, it's very difficult to give advice. I've seen women giving their husbands second chance after finding out they have affair. Some women just call it quits.

So what you can do is to maybe advise your friend and her husband to go for marriage counselling to give their marriage another shot. Let them discover for themselves the differences between their expectations, communications etc. Let them work the problem out themselves.

 

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The best is dun give advice. Just suggest several alternatives and let her decide.

I have a good gal fren in uni who dated a guy then. A female classmate of mine saw this guy trying to chat up / date another gal fren of hers. This classmate told me. I told my good gal fren. And I think bec' of this, my gal fren's bf didn't like me and prevent me and my gal fren friendship and I haven't have the chance to contact my gal fren for years.

So my advice is, for this kind of rs issue, dun give advice even if u may think it is for the good of yr fren. Just suggest SEVERAL choices and let her decide, so she cannot blame u in future of any decision she made.

 

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zirhk3355, honestly I tink my friend has done her part by talking to her HB frequently....

Up to the state tat she can compromise him going drinking bt not to the extent of drinking till 8am!:bangwall:!:jawdrop:

And u noe wat Xave says? He says there is no way he will chg or compromise??????

And as my friend's job is very stressful, he dun even bother to lift a finger to help out in the hsewrk or lok after the dog.

Instead he wan Jean to cook for him somemore.

I feel tat Xave is not putting in any effort to keep the marriage going.

And he is not in Sales line, in fact he is in government sector!

SUX!!

RUBBISH!:dunno: SLIM DOWN INORDER TO HAVE S**??? how u explain tht the?

lock the phone? at least give the password to the wife lar.

Precisely! Wat is there to hide from wife?

hi karen77sg, you can advise your friend to go to family court to ask for alimony now

a husband has a duty to maintain his wife, be it still married or divorced.

then use the alimony to hire a PI :lol:

that's very bad of me but this is how the singapore law works :P

actually my sincere opinion is your friend should speak to her husband about this

if the issue is really about your friend's weight

then she can make the decision whether to stay and lose them, or go and keep them :dunno:

Can she? Even without children? Hw come her lawyer never advises her?

Im quite agree on Assassin mention. Sometimes it is beyond on our control.

Mine friend had happen this case too. But nothing related to the put on weight issues. Is the 3rd party issues. Both are mine good friends. I went down to help them out as in a counseling them. Try to find the roots of the problem and solve it. Rather then the solve the current problem.

If a guy really love his gf/wife. No matter what thing happens couple ties will never fade. Unless his/her heart change. But still it can be solve when times goes.

Bt the problem is Xave refuses to mit up with any of us..as he has moved back to his mum's place.

So there is no way for the counselling part cos he has chosen to run away from reality.

I do agree tat I shd not poke into their affairs. Bt seeing my friend in tis state really breaks my heart lor...

Deducing that the husband has a 3rd party based on one SMS is a bit rash. However, I believe your friend could have seen other tell-tale signs that result in her wanting a separation. She may not have told you everything.

Depending on the individual's tolerance and situation, it's very difficult to give advice. I've seen women giving their husbands second chance after finding out they have affair. Some women just call it quits.

So what you can do is to maybe advise your friend and her husband to go for marriage counselling to give their marriage another shot. Let them discover for themselves the differences between their expectations, communications etc. Let them work the problem out themselves.

Hmmm....Xave is a guy with lotsa of pride...dun tink he will wan to do tat and judging from his beahviour, he has no wish to salvage the marriage...

Sigh! Hopefully they will work out on themselves soon....Like most of the forum folks mention, I shd not interfere!

The best is dun give advice. Just suggest several alternatives and let her decide.

I have a good gal fren in uni who dated a guy then. A female classmate of mine saw this guy trying to chat up / date another gal fren of hers. This classmate told me. I told my good gal fren. And I think bec' of this, my gal fren's bf didn't like me and prevent me and my gal fren friendship and I haven't have the chance to contact my gal fren for years.

So my advice is, for this kind of rs issue, dun give advice even if u may think it is for the good of yr fren. Just suggest SEVERAL choices and let her decide, so she cannot blame u in future of any decision she made.

I did tat.....and I always end my conversation with "Final decision still lies in u, u gotta make the decision yrself and most impt u must feel comfortable".

I guess tat is the best I can do and I can offer her my help by loking after her doggie during wkdays and help her with hsewk in weekends...

 

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Can she? Even without children? Hw come her lawyer never advises her?

Bt the problem is Xave refuses to mit up with any of us..as he has moved back to his mum's place.

So there is no way for the counselling part cos he has chosen to run away from reality.

can coz it's stated under the women's charter that it is the duty of the husband to maintain the wife

provided the wife is not capable of maintaining herself i.e. standard of living different from husband...

since he shifted back to his mum's place

jean might want to consider asking him to sign separation papers

allow both parties to think it over without severing all ties :deal:

like what others mentioned, he could be angry with jean for not trusting him

there could be so many reasons for his behaviour and we wouldn't know unless he speaks up :furious:

 

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Ya as i have said in my above earlier posting that alimony can be requested even if no kids, as long as wife can show her contribution to the family (in terms of housework / bills contribution) and that her hb got give her some money/allowance.

 

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