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cornetto

Enduring your spouse in times of stress

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yes things will get better once this painful phase passes. but the prob will not die cos it's a recurring one.

talked to him already. he retorted: dun think the world revolves around u. wtf?

when i needed a shoulder to cry on, he is NEVER there. and on these occasions, he can still go out & have fun with his frens or colleagues. doesnt it look like i married the wrong guy?

maybe what i'm going to say is gonna seriously rile some forummers here

seriously, dump the guy already

you are totally not on his radar so why bother?

if a man tells you the world doesn't revolve around you when you tell him your're upset with his behaviour, this is a sure sign he doesn't love you anymore.

when we love someone, the world revolves around that person

we think of that person when we cook dinner

we think of that person when we plan for the weekend

we think of that person when we see/hear something funny and can't wait to tell him/her

if he really doesn't love you anymore, and you feel that you've had enough

i'd recommend a marriage counsellor to see if the situation can be salvaged

maybe your hubby is still not ready to settle down

either you can wait indefinitely for him to grow up

or you let it go and learn to live your life for yourself !!

 

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Hi cornetto, understands hw u feel! Basically guys are not sensitive creatures like we girls.

They tends to worry bigger pictures rather than nitty gritty things. Perhaps to him, yr

worries/sorrows are small things to him whereby we can easily share it with our

girlfriends, cry our hearts out and the problem will be solved!

Perhaps u can get him to sit down with u, and u explain to him the seriousness of yr

plms and hw u need his support and TLC sometimes...

Guys will not console u with nice words unlike yr gfs, they will only provide solutions

for u. When we are sad enuff, we dun find their solutions useful, instead we felt they

are useless....and wat we need is they lend a ear to us oni and keep quiet. Bt sad to say they

are not so patient la....same as shopping.

My advice is u hv a nice talk with him la and tel him yr needs....after all, u r getting married soon

rite? Dun let tis affect yr mood and relationship!

I am sure he has his strong points too...tink of it and compensate his weak points.

Dun worry and be happi!

 

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i've a question to all men here. do you all (refer to men) like women who always want to be number 1 in everything? :no: even argue also want to be number 1? :no:

 

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i used to hope that my hb can understd me etcetc..however i realised that my 4 frens who have been with me for over 15 yrs knows me better as compared to him..so i cannot blame him for not understding. i appreciate that he cared enought to try.

i dun quite agree with u...he could have said this out of anger but dun mean it ba...

guess the key word here is try

and i have a friend whose ex-husband who said that to - and meant it :no:

not surprising that they are divorced now

and i can say my friend's life are just getting better and better

 

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guess the key word here is try

and i have a friend whose ex-husband who said that to - and meant it :bangwall:

not surprising that they are divorced now

and i can say my friend's life are just getting better and better

your friend has remarried liao? :dunno:

 

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Guys will not console u with nice words unlike yr gfs, they will only provide solutions

for u. When we are sad enuff, we dun find their solutions useful, instead we felt they

are useless....and wat we need is they lend a ear to us oni and keep quiet. Bt sad to say they

are not so patient la....same as shopping.

I agree. Sometimes after complaining abt work etc, I just want to hear "I know things are tough but I love you" , instead of hubby's solutions, and I need to "remind" him time and again what it is exactly that I want to hear. Although at first I think it's weird to say out what I want, that he should know, but I realised that's not true coz I myself also don't know what he wants at times. So I decided might as well tell him straight, so that the next time it happens, he'll react the "correct" way and I'll be comforted. And guys have short memory, so you got to "repeat" every now and then.

So please really set aside a quiet time (when he's not rushing out to meet frens to party) to talk through how you feel, how he feels. It's really worth the effort. Hope things will work out soon for you, Cornetto! BTW, you have a lovely wedding website. :bangwall:

 

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Hmm, don't mean to be negative again, people don;t just change because of a chat or a talk....even if so it takes time, usually quite a long time and need constant reminder too.

People really change when dramatic event happens that impact them in one way or another...thta's the fastest way to change....we human like to learn from the hard way....in schools, in work, in almost anything we do.

Hmm though there are the few exception at both end of the spectrum, but we make most if not all of our decision and judgement based on the general area of the spectrum...you don;t start planning for your future based on striking toto, though there are always time you hear people strike toto...the same goes for most things.

Lastly...if the person is what you like or love you have to love the person as he/she is that's the best assumption....or even better if the person gets worst on his/her bad habits can u still love him/her.....do not think that you can change the person....dont over estimate yourself and marriage is defnitely not for that purpose.....in the end you will get hurt.

Its complicated....been there and experienced it before....not to discourage but just to highlight....relationship is not all about love, it needs to be managed with trust, responsibilities based on one;s core values. Marriage by itself do not do wonders...just remember that and certainly not meant to change anyone.

Cheers

 

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i cannot just turn to frens whenever i am down. it will not be fair to them too.

i just wonder why i married a guy who just runs away at the sight of sorrow & leaves me alone like that all the time. somemore he can still go out & play. if he loves me, why would he do this to me? why marry me when he doesn't even care? :dancingqueen:

one day, if i kena accident & lose an arm or leg & become very sad, prob he will leave me altogether.

Cornetto, i have to say ur hubby is the classic case. Run at the sight of trouble becos they cannt handle the stress of facing a woman in anger or tears. It boils down to maturity level which obviously, he has none. So, u r actually facing a spoilt & insensitive brat now.

Have this fren who has no probs getting gfs but r/s nv last long becos he MIA the moment there is problem. I read Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus dat this kind of man hor, is like a fair-weather fren loh. U hapi, he hapi with u. U sad/angry, he disappears. I noe this sounds common but u have to tell him dat his actions are not displaying the 'for better & for worse' vows & if he doesnt try to put in effort, u wont be stupid either to hang on.

In all fairness, ur hubby may be the emotionally idiot kind. Duno how to show love & care becos dat would mean he is 'weak' or 'silly'. Something to dat extend. Its probably his parents' fault. Then u suay already, have to teach him. Its his responsibility to try to fulfil ur emotional need & ur responsibility to give him a chance. Now dat u r already married to him, u have no choice but to work at it, even if he is not responsive at first. His pattern is like this for so many yrs already, so cannt expect immediate & permanent change. He will nv change, only improve abit. U can only change ur mindset towards his ways. Unless one day, something major happen, else he will always be lidat...

Edited by cheesecake
 

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you mean her then-hb tried to understand her but failed in the end? i am sure your fren believed her hb was the one who understd her before she tied e knot...however things dun work out in the end.

however i need to emphasize that sometimes we should try to understand men too.

men n women are very different. they function very differently..they believe that offering solutions is the best support they can give during such times.

no the problem is actually he didnt try at all

if effort made i'm sure she'll appreciate it and keep the marriage alive

like cornetto's case, he didn't try at all :dancingqueen::bleah::notti:

 

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Has anyone read e book MEN from Mars and Women from Venus? Most times man ran away from problems instead of facing u cos they do not know how to handle the situation. They do not talk abt the problems too cos this is in their character.

IN the first 3 yrs of marriage, u will find that the relationship is constantly on the rocks. THat is cos u hv more responsibliity and burden to share which stressed both of u out. HOwver dun lose heart. Try to stand at his pt of view sometimes. IF u cant control yr anger when talking to him, do write to him or even sms.

U will find that its easier rather than both of u start arguing and said ugly things. I believe yr hb do love u but is just escaping and hiding away from problems.

Never give up so easily....Try and try ok???

 

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i agree this book gives some in-depth views on how man and woman behave differently in the same situation.

but the problem with all books are they generalise i.e. makes everyone's problem the same which is far from the reality...

i believe cornetto had did everything within her power i.e. talk to him, send him sms, write to him etc.

in fact, her hubby's reaction was - the world doesn't revolve around you :D

cornetto, sometimes, it's good to hold on coz good things come at the end

but sometimes, it's silly to hold on just for holding on sake

you need to know when to let go and give yourself a chance at life

remember, it's not about changing him. it's about whether you can accept this behaviour - it's for life.

reminds me of a 'joke'

man marries a woman not expecting her to change, but she did

woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he didn't

 

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again, i had let the matter drift over the weekend. i know i am too forgiving & hence allowed him to take advantage of me easily. but rather than having a sad and/or angry weekend, i chose to have a peaceful one. i know tt on the long term, things would never improve. hence the cycle repeats over & over again. perhaps one day when i really get tired from it all, i will leave. since he dun change, i change.

 

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again, i had let the matter drift over the weekend. i know i am too forgiving & hence allowed him to take advantage of me easily. but rather than having a sad and/or angry weekend, i chose to have a peaceful one. i know tt on the long term, things would never improve. hence the cycle repeats over & over again. perhaps one day when i really get tired from it all, i will leave. since he dun change, i change.

i agreed that the cycle will repeat even after the quarrel had over. :deal: sometimes, i wonder do our hb really love us? :D

 

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