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cornetto

Enduring your spouse in times of stress

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hi Cornetto,

Until now you still having such issues and feelings......already reno, taken pictures, etc etc

Hmm not good leh....better work something out with yr hb. From what you mentioned, he is not ready to settle down and face the reality of marriage life that includes bitter stuff, added responsibilities among other and still in the singlehood mindset but with own roof and a pretty gal waiting at home.

Should have sorted that out earlier but then again we can only look forward and work hard and resolve problems.

Since you have made the choice, don;t give up just yet. Its never a one party issue.

All the best.

 

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i agreed that the cycle will repeat even after the quarrel had over. :deal: sometimes, i wonder do our hb really love us? :D

They definitely do lah, if not, they wouldn't have married us...but i think women adapt more easily to marriage life than men...women also understand the concept of marriage better than men...that is why there's a gap in expectations.

Cornetto, i think rather than letting the issue pass time and again, y not address it once and for all? U would be torturing yourself inside if you do not sort this out. Talking it out would make you feel better and make your hubby understand you better...let him know your expectations...let him know that the world doesn't revolve around him too so y is he so self centred and only cared about himself?

If all else fails, try a tit for tat solution....he really needs a good kick in the n*** to wake up his idea...

 

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my hubby always say tt he cannot meet my expectations. actually i oso dun demand a lot mah. i dun take $$ from him, i do all the housework, i coordinated the reno process & am now gonna plan the wedding (even though he taking 14 tables & me 5 tables). all i asked was tt he be there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on mah, difficult meh? plus i am not a naggy person. according to him, i am the least naggy girl he has ever met hahaha. i think i spoilt him too much liao. sigh!

 

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my hubby always say tt he cannot meet my expectations. actually i oso dun demand a lot mah. i dun take $$ from him, i do all the housework, i coordinated the reno process & am now gonna plan the wedding (even though he taking 14 tables & me 5 tables). all i asked was tt he be there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on mah, difficult meh? plus i am not a naggy person. according to him, i am the least naggy girl he has ever met hahaha. i think i spoilt him too much liao. sigh!

My hubby always tells me that too...haha...he always ask me what I want from him....I duno how to answer...I also duno what I want sometimes too...I was in the same situation as you, the only difference is that I am very naggy...haha...:good:

I coordinated the reno process and even our ROM and wedding banquet I also hv to worry...sometimes I am really too tired and stressed....we've been through really tough times too....in the intial stage, we were on the verge of calling the wedding off....the reno was done...banquet was booked and ROM venue was booked....that period, I basically cried myself to sleep every night cos too stressed up with no help from him at all...he seemed so uninterested that I wondered why he asked me to marry him in the 1st place....and I didn't think he was ready for marriage...I even asked him if the reason he asked me to marry him is becos he's of the age to get married and I just happen to be there at the right time...he said no... I was like :yamseng:

We met up to have a heart to heart talk...i told him abt the issues that had been bothering me and i hope he can take initiative sometimes....I told him that when i'm tired and stressed and need someone beside me, he was never there, he was my closest confidante, if he's not there, who can i turn to?? He promised me that he will change....things did turn out better and I'm glad we did not call off the wedding then. Now, occasionally, he will forget so I remind him of what he said. He's constantly changing and I am too....

I think all married couples will go through this stage....hang on, talk to your hubby and solve the issue. Dun let the issue linger for too long. You nvr know what repercussions it might bring...I prefer to solve the issue now so that at least if things get worse next time, u know you have both given each other chances, just too bad things didn't work out. I believe all problems have solutions, dun just give up on your marriage...Jia you :D

 

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thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

 

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my hubby always say tt he cannot meet my expectations. actually i oso dun demand a lot mah. i dun take $$ from him, i do all the housework, i coordinated the reno process & am now gonna plan the wedding (even though he taking 14 tables & me 5 tables). all i asked was tt he be there for me when i needed a shoulder to cry on mah, difficult meh? plus i am not a naggy person. according to him, i am the least naggy girl he has ever met hahaha. i think i spoilt him too much liao. sigh!

from what i read above, you should be a responsible wife. :dribble: probably, your hb doesn't know how to appreciate you. :)

thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

why did he ask such a question? is he feeling insecure? :( i hate partner to mention the word "divorce" b'cos such word will hurt a relationship a lot. :dunno:

sometimes, i really admire applefreak b'cos her concept of "marriage" is very different. she prefers to stay gf/bf relationship with her bf. it takes a lot of courages to come to such a decision. :dancingqueen:

 

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thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

Things will get more difficult for the next couple of years...u have to brace urself for it....

 

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thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

I think he asked that question cos he's afraid that you were planning to divorce him. Actually u shd just say "yes, i am contemplating" then see his reaction how...haha...i think he will be quite stunned....not encouraging you to do that of course :(

U already said it...he's the one you love most in your life...i believe this period is just a stressful period for you that's why you feel so depressed...at this point in time, u shdn't even consider divorce as any form of resort, that's just the cowardly way out now to avoid dealing with the issue. There's no guarantee that in a new r/s, this wouldn't happen...the effective thing is to dui4 zheng4 xia4 yao4...dun let the problem grow into something uncontrollable...right now, it's still something that you can salvage and still within your control...

Haiz...ever since I became his Mrs, I've become very naggy too....i even complained to him that I feel very auntie now...I always tell him I'm not his mother, I cannot nag him like his mum does...but i still nag lah...haha....i can't control leh....hahaha...he's crying for :dancingqueen:

Anyway, we all need constant reminders....so that cannot be considered as nagging...you are excused :)

 

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thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

dun encourage you to say yes if you want to keep the relationship going on

i've known guys who did all sorts of ridiculous things just so that the partner will give an ultimatum aka 'change or i'll leave you' then they will not be blamed for playing the girl out :bangwall::unsure:

thanks korea for the complement

i admire you guys coz i find it really takes a lot of courage to get married :dunno::notti:

 

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Here's another man's view:

Men wants to CARE for their women, but they do not like to WORRY for them.

This may sound abit MCP, but perhaps your problems seemed small to him. He probably does not understand why you are getting all worked up over it and get abit overwhelmed that he needs to WORRY for you.

Thus why not try to do things in this way: Show him that you can take care of your own problems and give him the confidence that he does not need to worry for you. Later tell him straight that even though you can do it yourself, it would be nice if he can help you with it.

 

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cornetto how long have u both known each other..?

if he wasn't that emotionally supportive before marriage..i think you shouldn't expect him to be an expert after marriage. there is a saying...before marriage OPEN BOTH eyes..after marriage...CLOSE BOTH eyes...so either you can let it go and dun let it affect your rs so much.

I used to wish that my hb could be more emotionally supportive, empathetic etc etc. however, he is not like this when we are together...Habits take many years to form...and even longer time to break the undesirable ones. so its not fair of him to expect him to be an expert in reading our minds after we got married.

In addition, I was coping very well on my own before he appeared in my life..and now that he is with me...the difference is that Life is certainly more interesting. I realise both of us can be so similar and yet so different at the same time.. althou I admit embracing the differences is not easy..I have strong views and he has his. Finally, at the end of the day its respecting each other differences that makes us grow..

So to place unrealistic expectations on him will lead to both of us feeling upset, miserable. so why venture there in the first place? being patience and giving him space to be supportive will certainly help him in understanding my needs. but I have to be very patient. i acknowledged all his efforts no matter how small or insignificent. and it certainly pays off...now he is willing to listen my pov or cheer me up when I am upset. Even if he forgets I still remember the times when he did...

cornetto you know your hb better then anyone of us here...so its up for u to decide what to do with it. you can spend 50 or even 60 years trying to change him into someone who's not. so why waste the efforts? i am sure there are many good qualities about him that you love right?

Nodding my head furiously as I read this. I mentioned this before:

Women expect men to CHANGE after marriage; but they NEVER do.

Men expect women NOT to change after marriage; but they ALWAYS do.

:bangwall::unsure::dunno:

 

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hey zirhk3355, thats what i am trying to say in a nut shell. :unsure:

Haha...seemed like we are in the same frequency in this area. You agreeing with me and me agreeing with you.

:bangwall:

 

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Nodding my head furiously as I read this. I mentioned this before:

Women expect men to CHANGE after marriage; but they NEVER do.

Men expect women NOT to change after marriage; but they ALWAYS do.[/b]

:bangwall::D:)

Although I hate to admit it, I fully agree in red....duno which genius came up with this phrase....so apt... :bow:

 

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thank you very much, air~

actually we talked abt it before, a few times somemore, but not much use leh. dun mind trying again though. constant reminders help but wouldnt tt make me naggy? the last thing i wanna be is a naggy huang lian po leh.

maybe i myself tend to avoid such "confrontations" too, cos he did ask me whether i wanna divorce him last sat. i just said "no lah no such thing". he's not the most caring guy in my life, but the one i love most (if not why i marry him right). divorce is last resort of cos...

Sometimes we do not really mean what we want in anger. So you did the right things and follows your heart. Remember love is the things we talk when in courtship and dating. When Married comes in, reponsibilities do ties in. So the commitment is there and soon you discover love slowly changes into a form of responsibilities .

So as a wife needs to be supportive and man must be responsible.

There is no overnight grivence for husband and wife. So take it rationaly and light. Be happy with the building of your new home.

 

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ask u all one thing... if spouse go out till very late at night, say, 2-3am, should he/she at least inform his/her spouse in case he/she worry? or should he/she give him all the freedom & pray tt he/she is okay? just wondering (no we did not quarrel over this).

 

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